Living with Regret

My deepest regret is for not having told my sister 'I love you' when she was still here.
It seems very challenging for some of us to tell our parents or siblings that we love them but it comes out easily for our partner and friends. I think that because our family has been 'given' to us, without us having to put any effort into it, we don't always appreciate the blessings that it brings to our life.

When we were kids, my sister Kshiena and I shared a hidden love which rarely surfaced. We would fight, pull each other's hair and not share our chocolates. When I moved to India to go to university, both my sister and I cried at the airport, and for the first time she told me “Mo content toi” (which means “I love you” in Mauritian Creole). In this instant, years of jealousy, anger, sadness and resentment melted away for both of us. It was a beautiful moment but I still felt a block somewhere. I could not tell her these three powerful words.

This sounds a bit clichéd, but distance makes the heart grow fonder. The physical separation brought us together emotionally. When I went back to Mauritius, Kshiena and I became great friends and deeply cared for each other. We would go out for movies and meals, talk about spirituality, meditate together and take advice from each other. The best part of it was that we had fun and laughed like kids. We were building up the closeness that was not there while we grew up but I still couldn't tell her that I loved her.

Fifteen years later, every day for three weeks I kept telling her how much I loved her. It was too late by then: She was in a terminal coma. At times I would tell it to her with a big smile and other times it would be with tears rolling down my face. I gave her Journey processes (at a subconscious level) and during one of them, the memory of the airport scene replayed in my mind. I realised that the younger me from then had not yet forgiven Kshiena for the disagreements that we had during our childhood. As we grew closer with time, there was still an issue lurking somewhere in the background which neither of us spoke about. Back then, I didn't have the resources that I do now to understand the importance and the beauty of forgiveness.

Don’t leave it too late

I was recently at a Journey event where I felt a lot of release that enabled me to clear the guilt and regret that I felt when Kshiena passed away. Through her, I also cleared the grief that I have been carrying around because I could not say good bye to my father either when he passed away.

I still feel sad for not saying the right things at the right time. There are “what ifs…, if only…, I should have…” which come up every now and then. However, in these moments, I remember that their souls can still hear me and I let them know how grateful I am to still have them in my life, in a different way. They are my guardian angels who always protect and guide me. My sister’s beauty remains untouched. My Dad’s eyes are always shiny with love.

If you find yourself in a similar situation where you have not expressed your love, please do so before it is too late. The response might not be what you expect, but whatever it is, trust me it is better than living with years of regret, guilt and sadness. It takes time and a lot of emotional work to get rid of these. Why put yourself through all this when you can find happiness with three magical words.

The best for last …

When I got back from the Journey event, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I could feel an openness in my heart and there was so much love in there (it is still here, forever). After years, I was able to tell my mum that I love her during our Skype call. It came from the heart without expecting or hoping that she would tell me the same. I think it took her by surprise and she was holding back tears. I felt an immense relief inside. We carried on Skyping and as we were saying goodbye, she asked me to tell her 'Je t'aime' once more. When I did, she told me, 'Moi aussi je t'aime'. In that moment, all barriers and blame games dropped between us. I felt like that little girl who would be telling her Je t’aime every night before going to bed.

After losing my father and my sister, I feel most grateful to have a mum who loves me.

Love is a beautiful gift. Express it.